Trump is a poster-child of honesty . . . according to Trump

Well, here it is election time and, unfortunately, most of you have no idea who it is you're voting for. Well, friends, I am here to save the day. I know . . . most of you think that "this guy is just a shill Hillary supporter and his opinion doesn't mean shit." In this instance, among most others, however, you would be wrong.

According to Mr. Donald Trump, he respects women, race, and all those things that liberals take for granted . . . or does he? But don't take my word for it, just ask the numerous women he has objectified over the years. I feel like I shouldn't even have to bother with this . . . that's the problem. I shouldn't, but I must. Because despite the fact that there are multiple legit operations touting his absurdly inappropriate leanings, there still exists this massive fan base who seem to think he can do no wrong. To those people, I feel overwhelmed to ask, "WHY?"

Who exactly IS Trump that he can make you toss aside your morals, your sense of making the world a better place? Is it because he promises peace where none exists? Prosperity where none can be had? Why do you believe his poorly-laid lies? Seriously, the vast majority of the things he says are regularly and routinely denied by the institutions by whom he indicts. Does that surprise you? Literally every person, place, industry or institution - and they are legion - who have come against him publicly have done so at his own behest. Furthermore, he makes claims about his own worth which are simply untrue. 

His net worth, for instance. He has yet to produce a tax return, which says - or should say - an abundance about his dealings as a businessman. Only, Mitt Romney, his contemporary, never produced his own tax returns until the last minute, and lost by a landslide. With that in mind, Donald, PLEASE withhold your tax return. Please! 

Poster child of someone who knows all about the problems of the average American.

Is Hillary Clinton our savior? Probably not. I hope she is, certainly, but I have no deeply ground hopes that she will fix all our problems as a nation. That said, our nation CANNOT be "fixed" by a single individual, regardless of that individual's powers. We must come together, as a nation, as a people. We are more than the sum of our parts. We, as Americans, lead the world in Morality. Yes. We do. For several reasons, but for one, because we lead the world in entertainment. It is up to us, as Americans, to lead by example.

By all means, Donald, keep those facts to yourself.
factcheck.org, 

Trump is a poster-child of honesty, says Trump

Well, here it is election time and, unfortunately, most of you have no idea who it is you're voting for. Well, friends, I am here to save the day. I know . . . most of you think that "this guy is just a shill Hillary supporter and his opinion doesn't mean shit." In this instance, among most others, however, you would be wrong.

According to Mr. Donald Trump, he respects women, race, and all those things that liberals take for granted . . . or does he? But don't take my word for it, just ask the numerous women he has objectified over the years. I feel like I shouldn't even have to bother with this . . . that's the problem. I shouldn't, but I must. Because despite the fact that there are multiple legit operations touting his absurdly inappropriate leanings, there still exists this massive fan base who seem to think he can do no wrong. To those people, I feel overwhelmed to ask, "WHY?"

Who exactly IS Trump that he can make you toss aside your morals, your sense of making the world a better place? Is it because he promises peace where none exists? Prosperity where none can be had? Why do you believe his poorly-laid lies? Seriously, the vast majority of the things he says are regularly and routinely denied by the institutions by whom he indicts. Does that surprise you? Literally every person, place, industry or institution - and they are legion - who have come against him publicly have done so at his own behest. Furthermore, he makes claims about his own worth which are simply untrue. 

His net worth, for instance. He has yet to produce a tax return, which says - or should say - an abundance about his dealings as a businessman. Only, Mitt Romney, his contemporary, never produced his own tax returns until the last minute, and lost by a landslide. With that in mind, Donald, PLEASE withhold your tax return. Please! 

Is Hillary Clinton our savior? Probably not. I hope she is, certainly, but I have no deeply ground hopes that she will fix all our problems as a nation. That said, our nation CANNOT be "fixed" by a single individual, regardless of that individual's powers. We must come together, as a nation, as a people. We are more than the sum of our parts. We, as Americans, lead the world in Morality. Yes. We do. For several reasons, but for one, because we lead the world in entertainment. It is up to us, as Americans, to lead by example.

By all means, Donald, keep those to yourself.
factcheck.org, 

Editorial - Obama dun got hisself in a heap a trubble!

So there's this feller, Lew, who is apparently not an Obama fan (his profile photo is a guy in a cowboy hat and sunglasses . . . go figure) was a commenter on the Funny or Die video, Between Two Ferns with Zach Galiafinakis, and the guest was, of course, President Obama. I felt it my editorial duty to give ole Lew a little backup. You know . . . for posterity. I relate the conversation to you here, verbatim. Alliee: I gotta give Obama props he's the only president/political figure who isn't awkward and can actually do well in a comedic situation

"Run that sumbitch over with mah Chevy..."

Lew: lmao he's a clown... ringling bros. should hire him as the ass clown and have you follow him around with a
roll of tp

Darren: coolest president ever

Lew: lmao what meds are you on...

"I'm gonna faith heal the shit out of you...with my coat!"

Yours truly: Hyuck hyuck, that's right, Bubba Lew! You tell 'em! He must be own sum shiit if'n he thinks that thar black feller is cool. Obama is a terrble <'i' left out intentionally> president 'cause he's...um...black. Yeah. Black. Oh, and he put into law that thar bill that no longer allows insurance companies to deny coverage to people with preexistin' conditions. And he legalized gay marriage (fuckin' faggits think they kin git married like good, honest Christian folk?),

Hinn house (hint: belongs to the guy who can evidently knock people unconscious with his coat)

and lifted the ban on stem cell research (and fuck what advances we've had in medicine becawz uv it!). What a cotton pickin' asshole! It don't matter none that mah mama can afford to get her chemo now, cuz Obummer (See there how clever I am? Oh, a bunch a pundits done started it? Aw shiit, that's raht! I dun heard that genius... what'zisname...Lars Larson! say that a bunch a tahms on late naht radio), Obummer ain't waht, he weren't no Republican, and I cain't wait to tell our buddy Dubya what that sumbitch did in Iraq! Goldarn spearchuckin' ijit! Mah sister-mama 'bout spit her beer out when she found out he done got reelected!

Former conservative still scratching his head dumbstruck, say Washington insiders

I was one of them, a conservative, and believed just as wholeheartedly as most conservatives seem to, but with my own weird spin on things, because . . . well . . . I'm a weirdo. Then my eyes got opened. It began by reading the simple definitions of two perhaps not-so-simple words. I used to write for a living, so to a guy like me, words really do mean things:

Conservative - disposed to preserve existing conditions, institutions, etc., or to restore traditional ones, and to limit change; not liking or accepting changes or new ideas.

Liberal - favorable to or in accord with concepts of maximum individual freedom possible, especially as guaranteed by law and secured by governmental protection of civil liberties; favoring or permitting freedom of action, especially with respect to matters of personal belief or expression.

Conservatives, by definition, either like things how they are currently, or would like to return things to the days of yore, when everything was "better" (i.e., okay to lynch black people, beat up and/or kill gays, force a woman to bear the child of a rapist, see minorities as lesser people, and *not* okay for women to have positions of authority, and better that they stay home and take care of children . . . despite the fact that Reagan's trickle down economics made that literally impossible as wifey HAS to work in order for the family to survive and remain clothed and housed). The only way things were better in our past was that we got paid more - and conservatives killed that as well by giving corporations free reign to do as they pleased. And yeah, maybe we did get paid more, but we also were far fewer in number, we all shared pretty much the same religion, and it society was accepted by the voting majority at the time to be largely white and wholly male dominated.

And that was okay with everyone because that was how it had always been . . . until, again, greed caused women to have to work, which in turn allowed them to have positions of authority, which in turn showed them that being a housewife pretty much sucked ass, which in turn ---- you get the idea. We can no longer live that way. We cannot go back, only forward. Black people will never go back to being second class citizens, women will never depart from the workplace, and we WILL eventually have to accept that Christianity is NOT the national religion of the United States.

I just don't see what's so complicated about that. By saying idiotic things like, "If we raise taxes on businesses, they'll send jobs overseas/raise prices." Not if we ban trade within the U.S. if they try it. It really is that simple.

"Yeah, let's do that thing with the stockings and . . . I'm rich. Do you know how rich I am?"

Conservative pundits champion liberty but also USA PATRIOT Act?

To start, let me just put it out there: Our freedom isn't threatened, and our liberties will be preserved regardless of who's in office. Yep, I said it. We are too well-informed today for it to be otherwise. If you believe your liberties (distinctly separate from "freedoms") are threatened and that a few radical maniacs from flyspeck, dirt farm countries in the Middle East are a real threat to the most powerful military in the history of mankind, then you are a precise example of that to which this article refers. Your fear response quite literally dictates your beliefs and actions.

There isn't a country on Earth that would dare attack us openly. The 9/11 bombing - if indeed it was carried out by Islamic terrorists - was the single worst instance in the last 15 years, which says a lot about our intelligence network and the measures we already have in place (that could be carried out without the USA PATRIOT Act, by the way, which was signed into law by conservative policy makers who were interested in little else aside from absolute power). But it says even more about the capabilities of these impoverished, insane zealots - that is to say, they don't really have anything in the way of capabilities.

Let me start with solutions, then I'll address everything else. Here are two solutions that will fix pretty much everything wrong with our current government (there are others, but I'm just going with these two for now, because they're the most potent):

5,300 fired for doing what they were told says MA Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D)

“When it all blew up, you kept your job, you kept your multi-million-dollar bonuses and you went on television to blame thousands of $12 an hour employees who were just trying to meet cross-sell quotas that made you rich,” Warren asserted. “You should resign, you should give back the money that you took while this scam was going on and you should be criminally investigated by both the Department of Justice and the Securities and Exchange Commission.”

“The only way that Wall Street will change is if executives face jail time when they preside over massive frauds,” she said. “We need tough new laws to hold corporate executives personally accountable, and we need tough prosecutors who have the courage to go after people at the top.”

Back to my one-man war against rap...

"My," "yo," "you," "I," "shit," "get," "they," "pay," "money," (stop me if I start using words that you haven't heard in literally EVERY rap ever made...) and my favorite, "UHHHHH!!!" Because a pop song ain't a pop song without the obligatory, "UHHHHH!!!" some talentless rapper gets paid to add to it.

"UHHHHH!!! See? You can't do dat shit!"

Seriously. They PAY talentless people (lots of money!) to yell, "UHHHHH!!!" into a microphone right in the middle of some pop songstress's latest love song. Perhaps even worse is the fact that having some rapper's guttural voice inlaid into the song is so out of place, so alien to the nature of the song that it takes you out of the song utterly. But it seems no pop song today is complete without the obligatory rap verse or two. Yes, I said, "obligatory," twice. Ya know why? Because, it bears repeating! 

"Narcos" and "Pablo Escobar: el patron del mal" share more than just a main character.

Okay, I have looked and looked, all over the Interwebz, and although I knew it was the same dude, I couldn't find his name or anything. You heard it here first, folks, Juan Sebastian Calero, aka Navegante, aka Gonzalo Escobar, respectively, had roles in both Narcos and Pablo Escobar: el patron del mal. I've seen him in some other stuff, although I couldn't tell you what it was if my life depended on it. But I knew I recognized him, and stuff like that bugs the boogers out of me when I can't figure it out.

Learn to write and spell or you're saying nothing, says judge

"Having tremendous success is literally the opposite of sacrifice." ~ Seth Myers commenting on Donald Trump's inability to answer George Stephanopoulos' question, "What have you sacrificed for this country," in an ABC This Week interview in which Trump responded with a string of boasts about his successes and whatnot, decidedly unable or unwilling to share with the world what is either, A. his complete lack of sacrifices for this country, or B. his complete lack of understanding of the question posed to him. I mean, it's obvious to anyone with even a modicum of intelligence that no one who talks rhetorical nonsense as well as Trump has ever sacrificed anything at all for his country, but I am still going with B. because it was just as obvious that he did not understand what he was being asked.

"You'll be writing books about my campaign . . . Don't believe me? Just look at my hair. You're stupid, George, really. Look at it. It's real. It's awesome. That means I'm real! I'm awesome. Come on, George, don't you watch FoxNews?"

Government does not exist to enforce your morals, say local cops

It is the government's flipping job to regulate, not to make profit. By regulating the markets, penalizing corporations for moving jobs overseas and for paying below-the-poverty-line wages, and putting caps on insurance and pharmaceutical rates, the government is doing its JOB. The government exists - presumptively at least - to protect and serve its citizenry. Commerce is not a governmental role. Why can't people see this? It isn't "wanting more government" simply because you want the government to function as it was intended.

Man is incredibly greedy and power-hungry. Both capitalism and communism feed into these two basest of motivators. Regulating businesses by keeping them from screwing over their consumers is just smart government. It's neither capitalism, communism, nor socialism - it's purely pragmatic.  

Punishment is not discipline, say local authorities

If you ever find yourself wanting to "get even with" or "punish" your animal for something they did wrong, take care it's not something you actually did wrong. You discipline animals, like you discipline children. Punishment is a form of vengeance, and I would hope none of you feel the need to "get even" with your kids or pets.

On the other hand, if you like abusing animals, seeing them get hurt, running them over with your vehicle, or snatching them off the streets, riding around with them in your car while you beat them with your fists, then throwing them out of the window at 35 mph (I know people who have actually done this, saw it with my own eyes), you are particularly cruel individuals, unworthy of pet ownership, unworthy of the finer things in life, and unworthy of the pulpit, surely (you know whoyou are).

And I would strongly advise that you stay away from any animals, and perhaps children as well......and never let me find out about it. I am not as tolerant as I used to be, nor do I care one whit about seeking the approval of my peers (I use the word, "peer," very loosely), and far less fearful about confrontation than I once was.

Also, if that's your thing, seek therapy. You terribly need it. That's some serial killer shit right there. Also, you deserve to be in jail. Again, you know who you are, assholes.

Black Lives Matter wads many a panties, sources say

What so many people fail to realize - but that ultra-con pundits want you to look through and ignorant rednecks fail to see - is that saying, "Black lives matter," isn't saying other lives do not matter. It doesn't imply that only black lives matter. To think otherwise, regardless of which side of the issue you're on, is deliberate - and blazingly dangerous - ignorance...on a level with the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem Witch Trials, Islamo-fascist terrorism, and other dangerously ignorant movements throughout history that were based on miscommunication, deliberate falsehoods, fanning the flames of bigotry and xenophobia, and yes, a thousand times, yes, ignorance.

Ignorance is infectious, and there's nothing more dangerous than some ignorant knucklehead who only listens to authorities, peers and information outlets which agree with his or her preconceived, and very likely borrowed, ideas. Why? Because his ignorance is deliberate.